scary deeds indeed

Harry Reid

Harry Reid (Photo credit: Cosmic Smudge)

I managed to get a telephone interview with the powerful leader of the Untied Statists Senate, Senator Scary Deed. What follows is a verbatim transcript of that interview conducted late last evening.

me: “Hello, Senator Deed. It is a real pleasure to be able to talk with you during this terrible crisis of the government shutdown.”

SD: “My pleasure. This is important. I want everyone out there to know who is to blame for their pain. It is all the fault of the evil rich Republicats who are under the control of those terrorist extremists, the Teepee Party.”

me: “I thought the Teepee Party just wanted to get back to the Constitution and to reduce the size of government and government debt by reducing spending, so that we stop borrowing from our future? Don’t they have legitimate concerns?”

SD: “Nobody believes in the Constitution anymore. That’s malarkey. It just a piece of old paper. Like most of the laws we pass, I’ve never read it myself. How important can it be?”

me: “Isn’t the Constitution the basis of our government.”

SD: “Heck no. The Government has outgrown the need for that. Remember all those founding fathers were extremists and got us into a war with England. These racist Teepee Party scum are made of the same cloth. Imagine holding this great government hostage and trying to get us to stop borrowing a Trillion dollars a year. That is so extreme. What do they expect people waiting for cancer treatment at the NIH to do if we don’t pay for that? So what if we have to borrow? Those evil rich Repubicats can afford it. We’ll just keep raising taxes on them. Why, they even want to defund the Big Birdy at the Public BS. That’s extreme.”

me: “I see. Speaking of the NIH. Didn’t the House pass a CR that would have restored funding so that people could get their treatments? Why won’t you and the mighty O support that while negotiations continue?”

SD: “See hear. We are not negotiating with those filthy extremists. This government doesn’t do that.”

me: “Isn’t this government open to negotiating with the leaders of Irate that are known sponsors of terrorism and seeking to gain nuclear weapons?”

SD: “Exactly. The Teepee Party is worse than the leaders of Irate. They actually want us to live within our means. Imagine, the greatest country in the world and they expect us to live withing our means? That’s intolerable. If we didn’t borrow all that money from the Chinese what would they do with their money? It could wreck the whole world economy. We have to keep spending. ‘Tax and spend’ that’s my motto.”

me: “Getting back to the NIH…”

SD: “That’s just a gimmick. We aren’t going to fall for their tricks like that. In the big scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter whether some dying child is refused treatment. This is about the collective. If some people have to feel pain in order to understand how evil the Republicat enemies of the might O are, then there will be pain. It is our job to make things as painful as possible, so that everyone really understands. And especially so that they vote accordingly.”

me: “That sounds a little harsh and very partisan”

SD: “You have to be hard. And everything is politics, boy. These folks have taken the government hostage. Imagine a small minority like that trying to get heard and get representation in the government? Who do they think they are? We won’t tolerate minorities interfering with the majority. Here, the majority rules and that law has already been passed. Once a law has been passed it can’t ever be revoked, you know. Unless, of course, the mighty O decides to ignore it.”

me: “Wasn’t prohibition revoked?”

SD: “Don’t try to confuse me with facts. You don’t understand how powerful I am. I am in control of the Senate and nothing gets done here unless I say it gets done. Period. Look, I didn’t allow a single budget to pass during the whole first term of the mighty O. If we wanted to open the government, I could just snap my fingers and do it in no time at all. The mighty O could have a bill on his desk to sign before he has to go golfing again tomorrow. That’s not the point.”

me: “Really? If you and the mighty O could end this so easily, then how is it that you blame the other side? Why not end the misery and then negotiate with the Republicats?”

SD: “Don’t be silly. It is all their fault. The shutdown isn’t important. What is important is that they are blamed for the shutdown. I shouldn’t have to negotiate just because they control the House. I won’t do that. The gall of them to ask me to do that. How childish of them. It gets my dander up. They either will agree to everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, that I want or else. I’ll keep this government shut down and we will make it so painful and they will be blamed. That is just the way it is. You have to understand politics and propaganda go hand in hand. It isn’t the truth that matters. If you say the lies over and over. That is all that matters. The people believe what I tell them.”

me: “I guess I hadn’t understood all of that.”

SD: “You can’t read these kinds of things in books and old outdated documents like the Constitution. You have to live them. Just like you have to pass these laws to see what’s in them and you have to tell people what to believe and what they want to hear. That’s the way government of the elite people works. For example, when we cut deals with big business and delay their participation in ODontCare program and we give waivers and breaks to big Unions and Congress, we just say the evil rich Republicats are owned by big business and that’s the end of that.”

me: “Funny that I didn’t learn all of this in school.”

SD: “Well you are victim, son. A victim of the evil rich Repubicats that have ruined our public school systems. If only they would just go away and let us tax and spend and grow the government. Then all our problems would be solved, by the government, of course. But the evil Repubicats keep wanting us to cut back the growth of government spending. That is just pure evil. If it wasn’t for the Repubicats, the government could solve everything. We could have a 1000$ per hour minimum wage. Free Government Health Care for all. Free Government Housing for all. Free Government lunch programs for all. This place would be a freaking utopia, if it wasn’t for the Repubicats and their evil rich supporters”

me: “Okay. I think I understand. You are calling the shots and the buck stops with the mighty O, but the Republicats that are only in charge of the House are to blame for everything.”

SD: “Now you’ve got it. It’s all about pointing the finger of blame and never accepting any responsibility when things go wrong. These days the buck just never stops and the Feddy just keeps printing more bucks. Get it?”

me: “I get it.”

SD: “It doesn’t matter who gets hurt. The more people that get hurt the better. The old, the young, the sick, the veterans, they all need to share the pain. I say close all the monuments, cover up the water falls and geysers, block off all of the buildings and the porta potties. We will have armed government guards and barricades all over this country before this is over. No one will be able to cross a street without running into a barricade and committing a felony. And, everything will be the blame of those evil Republicats. It just doesn’t get any better than that. I’m having a great time, I’ve really loving this.”

me: “Well, thank you for your time and that illuminating discussion.”

Senator Scary Deed can be reached in the Senate or on the golf course with the mighty O. Please direct any follow-up questions to his office, but remember that he is busy ensuring that this govenment shutdown is as painful as possible and making sure that despite his leadership role that he is blameless. So, he is a very busy man.

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