Toilet paper (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Rumor has it that Democrats in the Senate are planning for when they take over the House in 2014. Their next big follow-on to the Affordable Health Care Act is the top-secret Affordable Toilet Paper Act. “Finally,” Harry Reid has been heard whispering, “finally, we have the ticket to the masses. After all, everybody has to wipe their asses, but only the evil rich can afford the best, soft toilet paper. We need to make the top brands, like Charmin, available to the masses. America will be the envy of the liberal world!” Although the details are sketchy, here is a basic outline that I have gleaned from sources deep withing the bowels of the Senate Democrat washrooms.
- If you like your toilet paper, you can keep your toilet paper. Period. That’s a direct promise from Obama and all of the Democrats. Unless, of course, you like one of those cheap crappy toilet paper brands or a brand that is made by a company that doesn’t support the progressive Democrat agenda.
- If you like to use more than one sheet, then you can. Period. Of course, using more than one sheet will be taxed and abuses will be carefully tracked and audited by the new IRS Department of Stuff That Hits the Fan.
- If you can’t afford decent toilet paper, there will be government subsidies. For the really poor, off-duty armed Park Rangers will actually come and TP your yard every night, leaving a good supply of soft toilet paper for you do to your business.
- Of course, Obama himself will decide which toilet paper is most appropriate for use. Using non-approved toilet paper will be taxed and punished by IRS audits and NSA surveillance of your restroom activities.
- The softer the toilet paper, the higher it will be taxed. The evil rich will pay for the subsidies for the rest of us, so that we too can have soft toilet paper in every stall in America.
- Public stalls all over the country will be stocked with only the best toilet paper, of course armed Park Rangers with barricades will be placed at every entrance to guard the precious paper and to ensure that only those with the appropriate liberal beliefs and attitudes are allowed to enter.
- Republicans will be required by regulations to use Out Houses. Conservatives, Libertarians, and Tea Party supporters will just have to hold it.
- Wet wipe style toilet wipes will no longer be allowed, unless granted a waiver or exception by the new Department of Stuff that Happens.
- Waivers will be easy to get since they will, of course, be used by the Administration and Democrats for buying votes and such. They will be directly handled by the new position in the White House of the Office of Stuff that You Accidentally Step In which will also take over the duties of the daily press briefings.
Well, that is all I could write on the roll of TP that I used to take notes. I’ll get more information to you about these top-secret plans of the progressive Democrats as soon as I can. In the meantime, can you pass a roll under the stall to me? I’m all out.
Update: Don’t be confused by the secret plan the Fed has for Quantitative Easing which involves printing dollars on toilet paper rolls. That has nothing to do with the ATPA.
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